Archive for the ‘Listening with Clarity’ Category
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #3 Tips for Interacting with a Problem-Solving Listener
Brad will probably fare fine in his new group because of homophily: the notion that people like similar kinds of people and things. He’s an IT person who will be surrounded by others like him. The fact that he presses for details and data will be familiar and appreciated, so he will know how to listen to his colleagues and they will know how to listen to him.
But, the head of HR calls Marge for advice because she can already tell it will be challenging to get Brad to listen to her. “He’s no different from the other IT folks, and he’s a right fit for us, but since he speaks so highly of you, I’d be most grateful for any advice you can give me.” As an Inner-Personal Listener Marge asks for a day to put her thoughts together. Finally, the next day she sends these tips:
- Brad cares most about getting something right. He doesn’t need to be right; as a matter of fact, he’s very good at dispassionately examining an issue, but he does need to get to a right answer. So, tell him what you are following in his line of thinking, ask him how he got there, and be very open in your line of questioning—no drilling allowed. And above all, come prepared with facts or he’ll ignore you.
- Speaking of ignoring you. I learned that when Brad’s paying attention he’ll take a posture like Rodin’s The Thinker. But, when he stops listening, he physically cuts away, maybe by writing, looking at something/someone else, rifling through papers. He rarely looks people in the eye, even when he’s paying attention. He does signal attention by nodding or pointing his finger in agreement.
- Stay away from feelings. Brad will sacrifice a worthwhile discussion if it gets too personal or emotional. He once told me that feelings are better left at home.
- It’s also possible that Brad will either linger too long on his search for the perfect amount of data, thus creating analysis paralysis, or he’ll take precipitive action in his desire to move on. Either way, he can be impatient. So, I learned early on to set the stage for our interactions by asking him what he wants, why, and what I could do to satisfy his needs. Then, during our interaction, I’d ask if he was getting what he wanted.
- Most of all, I’d say you’ll never go wrong offering him coffee, he drinks a lot of it throughout the day, with a heaping plateful of data and facts.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #3 The Problem-Solving Listener
When I’m asked how listening styles are like MBTI descriptors, I say that listening is a brain function for the most part, with psychology thrown in, and MBTI is a personality type, so they really aren’t alike because they measure different aspects of a person. That said, I do notice that ISTJ’s are often also Problem-Solving Listeners. Pressed, I could find a correlation, but I’m not a university researcher and don’t want to go down that road.
If you have thoughts about the similarities, do share them with us.
The Case:
Brad was once in Marge’s (first case and an Inner-Personal Listener) department and he really enjoyed working with her. Brad was a contract employee and lost his job when the contract ended. Marge tried to keep him, to no avail, but she did help him get a full time IT job with a vendor.
In an unusual move, Brad asked Marge to lunch, not to thank her, but for a different reason. He wants her to help him understand himself better so he can have as good a relationship with his new colleagues as he did with Marge. At first she was reluctant, but then Marge thought it might be good training for her to be more forthcoming, and she does like Brad.
Marge describes Brad as detailed, fact-driven, precise, and impersonal when he listens. She says, “Sometimes I wondered if there would ever be enough data to satisfy your desire to get something just right. You could be exasperating, but rarely misinformed or wrong.” Characteristically, he asks her to cite examples and sits back, head in hand, to listen to as many as she can provide. Brad doesn’t react or defend; he listens to her words as information, not words about his character.
At the end of their lunch Brad thanks Marge and asks her to give him advice about what to tell his new colleagues about how best to interact with him.
What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for Brad as he prepares others to interact with him?
I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.
Listening Skills Notes from the Field: A Physician Speaks Eloquently about Interpersonal Skills
I was visiting my wonderful brother in the hospital, and his longtime internist, Dr. Stephen Shore, came to visit. Now, if that wasn’t amazing in itself, we got into a conversation about interpersonal skills among health care professionals.
Dr. Shore is known for his incredible patient care, and had a lot to say about both the power and failings of interpersonal communication in the world of healthcare. Following are some of his salient points:
- Body positioning:
The doctor asked my brother’s nurse where she places herself when attending a patient. She said it depends upon what she’s in the room to do, but she tries to make eye contact when interacting. She said if she has news to convey or gather, she sits so she is on the same eye level as the patient. If she has to do any procedure or deal with equipment, she tells the patient what’s she’s doing so the patient knows what’s going on. I noticed that’s what she did when caring for my brother—she was attentive and professional.
Dr. Shore applauded that behavior and said it’s inexcusable to stand over a patient. “It’s an unnecessary display of power.” If the patient is on a table, Dr. Shore pulls up a chair to be on the same plane. If a patient is upset, he listens, then pulls the chair forward a bit to make the interaction more personal, “Not much because I don’t want to invade the patient’s space, but I want to be close enough that I can pat a hand if that would help.”
“A doctor can show authority by knowing your stuff and showing compassion—that’s all the authority needed.”
- Speaking in code:
“The field of medicine is complex enough without having to use terms that patients don’t understand. Speak in plain language. I guess the real issue is too many healthcare workers want to separate themselves from the patients. They see the patient as a body to cure, rather than as a multi-dimensional person who’s a partner in the battle for good health.”
Then he paused to say that many patients these days seem to know as much as the physicians because they do extensive Internet research. “Misinformed patients who are sure they understand their problems and know how to treat them, require time to be properly educated.” What he said reminded me of kids who think they need every toy advertised on TV.
- Diagnosis without even seeing the patient:
“I’ve often seen a group of doctors, residents, and interns standing outside a patient’s room. They all have computers and they pour over the patient’s records on them. The docs talk about the data, compare this situation to what they’ve seen or studied, and make a diagnosis. They enter that info into their computers, hand it off to an RN or PA, and then move on to the next room.
Dr. Shore was appalled at the procedure. “That poor patient is separated from his own medical care, doesn’t know what’s happening, and often becomes more ill because of fear and isolation. We all know part of healing comes from touch and interaction. In that situation only the clinical part of medicine is being practiced.”
I asked if there’s an answer to the dilemma given the demands on the healthcare industry. He said that would take another visiting time to answer, but one idea is to force healthcare workers to practice interpersonal skills during their schooling. “They should be taught about body language, eye contact, tone, cultural influences, how to ask questions, and listening. The stuff you do is as important to my practice as my knowledge of medicine.”
Know anyone at a medical/nursing/PA school who’d invite us in to work with their students?
Communication and the Five Aspects of Being Human
Marriage, at best, is 50% successful as an institution, and many of those 50% are less than satisfied according to conventional wisdom. Why is that? Well, an easy answer is many people get married for the wrong reasons, notably to get out of the house, to be taken care of, to alleviate boredom, because the sex was so good, to leave an abusive experience, etc. Certainly those reasons don’t bode well for the longevity of any marriage, once the bloom is off the rose. Having said that, there is a way in which we can consciously measure the likelihood that any committed relationship will have longevity.
There are five aspects to being human – physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual. Why do I separate sexual from physical? I’m so glad you asked. Primarily because, in our society sexual is buried in the physical so as to avoid talking about, and exploring it. But that’s another story. According to the shaman with whom I studied, we “resonate” energetically with others in all five of those aspects. And energetically we are either in “cohesion” – energetically compatible, “adhesion” – there’s both friction and attraction, or “repulsion” – the opposite of attraction. It’s pretty easy to measure the physical and the sexual aspects, since they are, well, completely out there. It’s a lot more challenging to measure the other three – emotional, mental, and spiritual. And here’s where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.
To guarantee the possibility for a stable, long term, intimate relationship, we need to be in the same ballpark with these latter three aspects. Regrettably, they almost always take a back seat to the physical and sexual, that initial chemistry that makes sex so good, until it isn’t. So do we have to be in cohesion in all five aspects? Well, that would be ideal. But, no, we don’t. What we do need is the conscious awareness about those aspects that are not in cohesion, and a clear intention to work, together and individually, to improve those behaviors and attitudes that can cause friction.
So, we can be in cohesion mentally and spiritually, in adhesion physically and sexually, and in repulsion emotionally, or any combination. Have you ever thought about your relationships in this way? Doubtful, except as you probably have looked back on a “failed” relationship to see what probably was obvious to your closest friends. This doesn’t mean your relationship can’t succeed. It almost certainly means you need to make a conscious determination as to the kind of relationship – close friendship, casual friendship, friends with benefits, intimate relationship, long term committed relationship.
How does this show up at work? According to Carl Jung, we expect people to be like us; and when they are not, we can attribute negative conscious intent to their behavior. This often leads to judgment and conflict, which has negative consequences amongst team members, and between managers and subordinates. Our differences can result in poor working relationships, which will have a negative impact on morale and the bottom line; or we can choose to view them as opportunities for more effective and efficient teamwork, which will improve our personal and professional lives, as well as the bottom line.
Relationships, no matter the setting, require attention and constant positive nurturing if our humanness is to be at its best.
Charly Heavenrich – The Canyon Guy (Adventure Speaker, Life Coach, Author, Photographer, Grand Canyon Raft Guide).
Listening Skills and Executive Personal Development, Part 3 of 3
The three questions posed to eleven executives who I know to be high-functioning, well-regarded, and thoughtful leaders:
- What prompted you to engage in a personal development journey?
- What did you learn about yourself?
- How has your personal development journey impacted your work?
During the interviews, I noticed that the respondents gave more complex answers to the third question. I’m not sure if it was because they were on a roll thinking and talking about personal development, or if it required more reflection in order to answer. Personally, I found it more challenging to slot the responses into categories, and I’m not so sure that the categories are what you, the reader, might have created. What’s most important is that we “listen” and relate their words to how we might answer the same question.
A great quote from one of the participants:
Diplomatic. I now say things like, “What might we do?” rather than “Here’s what we’ll do.” I guess those subtle changes have a big impact because I notice that people come to me with better and better ideas and questions. And the quality of work is steadily improving.
Question #3: How has your personal development journey impacted your work?
Building Relationships
- I started with good knowledge, and I was promoted because of it and my ability to develop others. With a lean organization, every person has to work at 100% of capacity.
- I believe I am much more tolerant of other people’s process of learning and am aware that others usually are not like me. I used to feel betrayed when people didn’t do tasks the way I would have or even wanted.
- One must recognize in others all that we see in ourselves, and visa versa.
- Level of comfort with me and me with others is better.
- I’m more of a mentor or coach than I was before I went on this journey.
Developing Skills
- Everything I learn I put in my tool kit.
- It’s influenced my messaging—not as abstract and more human-to-human.
- Working with you, my coach, was a turning point. I’m always aware of balancing advocacy with more inquiry. I guess I’m more conscious of what I’m doing.
- I began to ask the right questions to understand if the question posed to me was right in the first place.
- I absolutely changed from being a micro-manager to being a guide. Performance soared.
- Re-emphasis on goal setting—it’s the foundation for focus.
- Moved from telling to selling—my influencing skills are used to motivate others.
- Whew, it was hard to receive straightforward feedback, so in the past I lobbed it like a hand grenade. I thought people were out to get me. Now I know how to provide feedback in a positive manner—so many employees thank me for my honesty and care. Pretty much we’ve learned to talk about how to be at our best.
Changing Culture
- Building teams, developing others, and constantly seeking out experiences…became my motivation. Why? Because it worked.
- There’s a more human aspect that I bring to work in a very rational organization.
- Always had good thinking with people, now I have both good thinking and good feeling.
- When something goes awry, instead of acting shocked or angry, I see it as a point of perturbation and try to understand what might be the cause of the setback, not “who screwed up?”
Unexpected consequences
- Developed an appetite for learning and I always want more, often learning from what others do wrong is just as valuable.
- It’s given me an advantage over peers.
- Conceptual models help me understand–they are like a flashlight in the path of darkness.
- When you asked this, I thought first about skills, but really my personal development is to bring passion back to me and to my workplace. I love the work I do.
- I look back to my footprints to see where I’m going.
- I’m more than just a head going from meeting-to-meeting.
- I’m much more empathetic, less de-sensitized, and not nearly as exhausted.
- It’s so natural to go back to “obnoxious” tendencies, so my own development is to be aware and constantly modify behaviors.
Following are the names and titles of the executives who shared their insights:
- David Carder, VP, Executive Consultant, The Forum Corporation
- Ralph Chauvin, Vice President of Sales, North America, Perfetti van Melle USA
- Iain Duffin, Chairman Origo Service Group Edinburgh, Non Executive Director of the Scottish Leather Group, Director of IDD Associates Ltd.
- Carol Ryan Ertz, AVP, Enterprise Leadership Development, Unum Corporation
- Ron Griffiths, CEO Network Green Deal Ltd and RG Direct Associates Ltd.
- Larry Hart, Chair, Vistage International
- Jim Mikula, Managing Director, Hotel Madeline and Inn at Lost Creek, Telluride
- Susan Moseley, VP Member Service Corporation, NFIB
- Vivien Price, VP Solutions Design, The Forum Corporation
- Helaine Suval, President and Founder, Suval Consultants
- Frank van Dijk, Regional Marketing Leader, GE Oil & Gas
Listening Skills and Executive Personal Development, Part 2 of 3
In the first of this three-part post, eleven senior leaders responded to the query: What prompted you to engage in a personal development journey? Following are their responses to the second question:
What did you learn about yourself?
Knowing what leadership is
- Being a good leader is one thing, being a very good leader is another and a real challenge. A great deal of guidance and learning is in finding out about oneself. How we interact with others, how we motivate, how we demotivate others. Getting the very best out of others in not an easy task.
- You can’t teach someone to have an innate sense about how to build the business.
- I’m constantly reminded that I must be a good role model and it’s not always easy to walk the talk.
- Roles change. I’m no longer a full time parent, so I have to change some practices that will take me and my kids to a new level of relationship. Same for work—there’s always new levels of challenges facing you.
- I worked in Ireland when it was a war zone and I had to learn to deal with the political scene as well as learn how to be a manager and not just rely on my native skills.
- The more difficult the circumstances are, the faster you have to turn the situation around or it festers until it’s too hot to handle.
- Sometimes sales people ask a question they want answered, and are befuddled when they don’t get it. That’s their job, mine is to see the questions before they arise.
- Know the business from the nuts and bolts—ground up, not at 40,000 feet view.
- I like what Kevin Share, ex-CEO of Amgen said
Be self-aware ~ Focus on a few challenges ~ Find a mentor/coach
Building relationships
- Success depends on others.
- Everything that I do is about relationships with others, so now I search for anything that gives me insight.
Letting go
- I came to grasp that I wasn’t the only one with great ideas, but I knew enough details to evaluate the ideas—that turns out to be one of my most valuable assets, but I had to let go of a lot to get there.
- Until recently I thought knowledge was wisdom and my emotional side had to be locked up. I became aware that allowing my emotional side to awaken would make me a more effective leader.
- The changes I want in myself and in the organization are not happening quickly enough and sometimes I have to stifle my tendencies to force the process along.
Developing skills
- Multi-tasking is a trap.
- I have to always be conscious of what I’m doing.
- First it’s awareness, then I need to think about it, and finally address it—whatever “it” is.
- I spend about six (6) hours a day on calls with no opportunity to read body language and no face-to-face interactions; thus, I’ve learned how important it is to understand biases and to listen more fully.
- I can be flexible, but I need advance notice—now I verbalize expectations and ask others to do that as well.
- When things went wrong I wasn’t using more questions than answers. I developed a Little xxxx (mini-me) in my head who said, “You’re not asking enough questions, and the right ones.”
- A coach helps fill in the blanks to get there faster.
- I went from telling to selling, and selling to inquiring—what a difference that made in my leadership.
Following are the names and titles of the executives who shared their insights:
- David Carder, VP, Executive Consultant, The Forum Corporation
- Ralph Chauvin, Vice President of Sales, North America, Perfetti van Melle USA
- Iain Duffin, Chairman Origo Service Group Edinburgh, Non Executive Director of the Scottish Leather Group, Director of IDD Associates Ltd.
- Carol Ryan Ertz, AVP, Enterprise Leadership Development, Unum Corporation
- Ron Griffiths, CEO Network Green Deal Ltd and RG Direct Associates Ltd.
- Larry Hart, Chair, Vistage International
- Jim Mikula, Managing Director, Hotel Madeline and Inn at Lost Creek, Telluride
- Susan Moseley, VP Member Service Corporation, NFIB
- Vivien Price, VP Solutions Design, The Forum Corporation
- Helaine Suval, President and Founder, Suval Consultants
- Frank van Dijk, Regional Marketing Leader, GE Oil & Gas
More on Open Communication from Dan Tapscott
I recently watched a TED talk given by the futurist Dan Tapscott who outlined four principles of an open world. Of course he was superb, and of course, he built upon what Elon Musk said—open communication is the way forward for our changing world.
You can see the video yourself: (http://www.ted.com/talks/don_tapscott_four_principles_for_the_open_world_1.html)
I want to reiterate only a few of the points and relate them to listening.
Openness is about transparency. I’m reminded of two different organizations I’ve observed. One invites employees to look at the books, attend board meetings, and advise the executive committee about changes that could help the organization. I was asked to attend one of the board meetings to provide feedback to the board after I did some listening skill development with them. The board wanted my feedback about how well they listened and if they were being open with the employees who attended the meeting. They answered all employee questions with candor.
The second organization said they wanted to be open and transparent with employees, but there wasn’t one scintilla of behavior to support that statement. There was a suggestion box and so many layers of management plus pounds of red tape, that the few suggestions were ludicrous (paint the dingy cafeteria, buy soft cushions for the call center).
The employees at the transparent organization told me they felt heard, respected and would do anything to help out.
Openness is about sharing. He told some wonderful stories about insurgents who succeeded because they shared information for the safety of others. I’m on several Linked In groups and I’m impressed by the amount of intellectual property (IP) that colleagues share with one another. Even the concept of TED itself is an example.
So why in the world would anyone give away what s/he has spent years developing? Truthfully, I’m not sure, but I think it’s in our inherent nature to want to add value and be a trusted source. If I listen to the request of a colleague within a social network community, I tend to probe deeper to develop a greater understanding of the issue. I rarely rush in with lots of solutions and information. Those interactions build a community of collaborators that builds trust and a willingness to be open with one another.
Finally, his statement that our young people today are digital natives, whereas, the rest of us are digital immigrants who have to learn to speak the language. I loved the thought that we are constantly challenged to pay attention to what is new and open to us.
Five Dysfunctions of a Team and Listening Skills, Part 2
Last week we took a look at Patrick Lencioni’s brilliant book, Five Dysfunctions of a Team, that is used widely to help teams diagnose their ailments, as well as how to get them team-healthy. I offered some examples of the first three dysfunctions and how at the core of many of the dysfunctions, is the lack of listening – a set of habits formed in the brain, body and emotions that we come to rely on at such a subconscious level that we aren’t aware of what we listen to/for and what we ignore.
Let’s look at last two of Lencioni’s five dysfunctions to analyze the role of listening in each.
Avoid Accountability: Low standards
Recently in a coaching session, my coachee, the team leader talked about being over-burdened because people on her team weren’t pulling their weight. I think she expected me to commiserate with her and say how challenging for her. Instead, I asked who was responsible for that sub-standard behavior, and when she pointed her finger at them, I turned it around and asked, “What if you’re the culprit?”
Our session was terrific once she caught on that it was she who accepted the lowest standard of performance as the norm. Case in point. One of the team members often missed deadlines. Prior to our work together, the team leader would fume and fuss, and do some of the work herself; but, in the end, she allowed the mediocre performance to perpetuate itself and spread like the disease it was.
Here’s a practice demonstration of how we changed the team dynamic:
Team Leader: Today is the report deadline, do you have it?
Employee: I have some of it, but not all. There were more parts to the assignment than I thought.
Team Leader: Here you go again. This is the last straw. I don’t know what to do when you do this over and over. Give it to me.
And so goes the established and poor pattern. Let’s look at a replay, done better.
Team Leader: The calendar shows today the report is due today. (observation) In what format can it be retrieved? (expectation and question)
Employee: Ah, I don’t quite have it finished.
Team Leader: The lateness of the report puts undo burden on others who depend upon it to complete their part of the process. (impact) How will you rectify the situation? (inquiry)
Employee: I’m not sure. It’s almost done. How about I show it to you and maybe you can help me complete it in time.
Team Leader: Part of your job responsibility is to write this report. It’s not helping you, your colleagues, the department’s reputation, or my faith in your ability if I step in to save you. (observation) Now let’s turn our attention to addressing the issue at hand and how you will complete the report. (next steps). What ideas do you have? (inquiry)
When the Team Leader listens and bounces back with an inquiry, the onus is on the Employee to figure out how to be accountable. Scolding is parent-to-child and accomplishes nothing other than dependency and rebellion, neither if which belong in a work environment.
Inattention to Results: Status and Ego
It’s not unusual to find people with good ideas in a team, but when they are not heard, those people leave, or worse, stagnate. Just think, if you see ways to achieve results and they fall on deaf ears, you’ll soon lose interest, become self-centered, and might even become a saboteur.
It is possible to change all five dysfunctions if teams are given high-performance tools to boost skills and time to practice with one another and a coach.
I’m reminded about my first coaching request when I was a facilitator of a leadership program at General Motors, at least a hundred years ago. The man responsible for the training casually mentioned to me one day, “You seem to be good with people. There’s a team of executives that is a mess. Maybe you can help them. Don’t worry if you can’t, they can’t get worse.” What an invitation.
We worked together for a few months, and indeed they did improve. If I look back now at what I did, without having any coaching education, it’s clear that I listened, observed, and reflected. To this day when I watch a team in action, I say, “Here’s what I observed, is that how you want to perform?” Then we go to work.
Elon Musk, Simplicity and My Soapbox
Elon Musk at the Tesla grand opening in Menlo Park. Photo taken by Brian Solis.
SpaceX, Elon Musk’s company, as reported in Time Magazine, June 18, 2012, successfully launched and landed a rocket, in record time and with streamlined resources. While I read the article I kept correlating the situation with my thinking about workplace productivity.
It’s perfectly clear to me that communication is a major factor in their ability to pull off such an impressive fete. I hope I can make the connection for you.
First of all, there’s Musk’s call for simplicity: “If you want to change something or fix something, just stalk to Elon. It keeps the signal-to-noise ration high.” When the lines of communication are narrow like that, there’s less room for misinterpretation. Think of how different it would be in many organizations if an employee has a question and can go to the person who is most equipped to answer it, rather than to someone designated on the org chart.
Simplicity also shows up in design. I’m not as interested in the mechanics of the rocket as I am in the process behind arriving at those mechanics. They’ve hired people from other venues who had to have prior experience with bloated and convoluted decision-making, so what’s different here that there’s so little bureaucracy? Musk says, People ask how it’s possible to be safer but also more cost-effective. It’s possible because complexity is the enemy of both.” At his three companies the norm is to ask questions, inquire, debate, prototype, problem-solve, challenge until everything is stripped down to the essence—the simplest form. From there they build, adding as little as possible to achieve the required results.
I know all this because Tesla Motors used to have a showroom here in Boulder, and I had the opportunity, as a member of International Business Circle, to spend an evening with some headquarters staff people and Elon on the phone (he could not attend in person because he was in a tobogganing accident). No doubt what he told us about the development of the Tesla automobiles applies to all his ventures.
Secondly, there’s consistency of purpose. I know some people who work at NASA and they talk about constant changes in messages, decisions, and priorities. In Musk’s case, although I don’t know this first-hand, there’s a clear direction and unwavering drive to arrive at it. “I believe,” says Musk, “that I have a design in mind that would enable the colonization of Mars.” Remind you of John F Kennedy’s famous race-to-the-moon speech?
Finally, there’s the Control issue. When I’m on my soapbox I say that Creativity loves Structure and hates Control. Most of the employees of SpaceX don’t have offices, including Musk, but they have discipline, rigor and priorities, so they don’t have to spend their creative juices trying to figure out boundaries. They don’t have creative constraints and rules, rules, rules, so there’s little that gets in their way towards innovation.
Streamlined, uncluttered, open communication is worth billions of dollars.
How do you think this kind of work environment would effect listening skills?
Listening Skills Ground Rules
In last week’s blog post, Tortoise and Hare Listening, I said that having ground rules for listening might increase the likelihood that people would actually pay attention to the expectations and needs of one another during an interaction and experience improved listening skills.
It’s not such a crazy idea. Groups establish ground rules for meetings and workshops to make assumptions explicit. A ground rule gives direction about how someone is expected to behave. For example, a common one is “Do not interrupt.” Ostensibly, that gives members of the group permission to point it out when someone speaks over others. Just having that as a ground rule indicates to the group that interrupting behavior will not be tolerated, and will heighten attention to avoid displaying that unwelcome trait.
That set me to thinking about listening ground rules that might be helpful:
- Identify the purpose– determine with your partner(s) what you’re both listening for and what you want to get out of the interaction
- Obey the listening golden rule: Listen to others as they would have you listen to them—don’t project your desires and biases on others
- Ask permission to take notes and be willing to share what you’ve written
- Give undivided attention—no gadgets, fidgeting, side-conversations
- Make body language invitational instead of armor-like
- Inquire more, advocate less
- Tell others when you’re losing your ability to listen and request a physical break
I posted these at a recent two-hour meeting and asked if we could try them out to see if it was a good idea and how they’d influence the meeting. Everyone agreed to try them, and afterwards we took an extra fifteen minutes for debrief. There were many more responses than expected, but here are the most frequently said ones:
- The list was intimidating at first because we (5 people) wanted to do it “right,” but after a while we got embroiled in the conversation and the list just served as a guide.
- Everyone really liked the listening golden rule—e.g. “Now I see that I get impatient when people don’t listen the way I want them to.”
- Several people said they wanted to ask for a break, but thought they couldn’t.
- Many noticed that there were more people who allowed others to finish a thought than usual.
- The undivided attention rule was hardest to follow and sustain.
What others would you include? How do you think they’ll be received?