Archive for the ‘Listening Habits’ Category
Listening Skills: Habit versus Style
Someone sent me a Job Aid on listening. The gesture was thoughtful because I like to know what’s going on in the field.
The Job Aid is well designed, has a model of different forms of listening styles and how they should be used. At first blush, I thought it was worth the $1.95 per card. Then I looked closely at the content, and once again bridled at the assumptions about listening as a style that governs how we pay attention. My goal here is not to discredit the Job Aid, but it is to surface the differences between Listening as a Habit and as a Style.
Our research indicates that Listening is a Habit formed in our brain, body and emotions. Our brain develops neuropathways around repeated patterns. For example, for self-preservation we’ve learned to look both ways when crossing the street, nod when we agree, and shrink from people who scare us. Situations trigger us to respond; and it’s the formation of those responses that is defined as a habit or a style.
Psychologists define Habit and Style as:
Habit is any regularly repeated behavior that requires little or no thought and is learned rather than innate. A habit is developed through reinforcement and repetition.
Style has been defined as an individual’s relatively consistent inclinations and preferences across contexts. It is a dynamic and organized set of personal traits and patterns of innate behavior.
The stronger the habit, the more we rely upon it, but the good news is a habit can be changed or modified with intention and practice. Whereas, our style is a distinctive pattern that is an organizing principle that changes very little, regardless of context. For example, an Extrovert may seek less stimuli with age, but probably will not become an Introvert.
The beauty of thinking of listening as a habit instead of as a style is that we can learn techniques to modify habits we overuse, and gain access to ways of listening we under-use. For example, a person who listens mainly for facts and ignores feelings misses a large portion of an interaction. By learning to observe body language and tone-of-voice that person will increase awareness of what lies beneath words and data, and alter a habit.
You’ve heard me say so many times that the Listening Golden Rule is: Listen to Others as They Want to Be Heard. That requires us to identify the listening habits we’ve formed, ask if they serve us well, then revise as needed to become a master listener.
Listening Lessons from a String Sextet
Recently, I attended a masterful performance given by six members of the University of Colorado music faculty. I was fortunate to be right in the center of the first row, with no obstructions to block my rapt attention.
During their performance I observed many lessons on listening that we can apply at work, home, school—anywhere that depends upon our ability to perform at our best.
Transferable musical lessons:
Know the score
Musicians: Each musician practiced over and over until they knew every note, sign, and sound. They knew the piece cold so they could concentrate on playing together.
Application for the workplace: When we understand the context, people, expectations and our own knowledge, we can concentrate on what’s being said.
Allow for different voices
Musicians: There were six musicians with a range of experience, techniques and interpretations of the music as well as three different instruments with individual sounds. At various times one of the instruments might be most prominently featured, while the others play to support that stronger voice.
Application for the workplace: There are usually several people in an interchange, each with something to say. Turn-taking is crucial to allow for individuals to share a point-of-view or data that is vital to others. No one person should monopolize an interaction, which will drown out others who might have highly valuable information to add.
Follow different leaders
Musicians: My friend Lina Bahn, first violinist, explained that leadership among musicians in this sextet is interchangeable as there’s no conductor, First violinist’s part is usually more demanding than second violin, but all are equally important. Responsibility is shared by everyone and determined by the music.
Application for the workplace: Sharing the platform is not always easy, especially when we have something we deem important to say. However, understanding that leadership is not a positional right, but an earned platform, allows for the problem or the situation to guide what is said and by whom.
Connect with one another
Musicians: There’s a lot of body language being “spoken” among the members of the sextet. Eyebrows raise, heads nod, bodies sway, and legs move, all actions that encourage fellow-musicians to engage and stay focused. The audience is part of the performance, too. The sextet is energized by applause and appropriate body language (though humming along is not appreciated), so the audience and the performers feed off one another.
Application for the workplace: We learn to read one another’s signals when we’re face-to-face. Emailing will not relay all information that is required to collaborate and make fully understood decisions. Our listening habits are developed in our brain, body and emotions that emerge during interactions. Strive to establish a co-created interaction where it’s a give-and-give (not take) among all communicators.
Acknowledge strengths
Musicians: Because I was watching so closely and at an ideal vantage point, I noticed that when one musician played a particularly demanding passage, a couple of the others smiled slightly or leaned their body and instrument towards their colleague in recognition of work done well. When I asked Lina about that she said acknowledgement of a musical idea is highly valued and greatly appreciated. The musicians can’t miss a beat, so the interaction has to be subtle and brief.
Application for the workplace: Even the smallest recognition makes a difference to people. Listening to someone and saying, “Thanks for making your points in a clear manner” or “I appreciate that you had to learn new software in record time” or even a smile, will probably make that person’s day and will increase the likelihood that behavior will be repeated.
Honor silence
Musicians: A brief period of silence with its own place and quality, is as important as sound. The musicians, briefly at rest, are poised, expectant and ready to resume their “conversation.”
Application for the workplace: Moments of silence give people the chance to think and not feel obligated to fill the space with unnecessary sound. The gift of silence is golden.
Focus on the present
Musicians: More than anything, the success of the sextet comes from their ability to stay focused. But on what—the score, one another, their instruments, the audience, physical comfort? Yes to all, but without losing concentration. They are on alert for what matters, split second by split second.
Application for the workplace: Giving full attention to a single task or person, unequivocally increases the likelihood that the fewer mistakes will be made. When we let go of the myth that we can multi-task and replace it with the knowledge that we can single-task, our listening proficiency will increase.
Whatever the context, consider how you can behave with the same degree of commitment, focus and respect as a sextet whose every performance relies on well-honed listening mastery.
Listening Skills and Executive Personal Development, Part 2 of 3
In the first of this three-part post, eleven senior leaders responded to the query: What prompted you to engage in a personal development journey? Following are their responses to the second question:
What did you learn about yourself?
Knowing what leadership is
- Being a good leader is one thing, being a very good leader is another and a real challenge. A great deal of guidance and learning is in finding out about oneself. How we interact with others, how we motivate, how we demotivate others. Getting the very best out of others in not an easy task.
- You can’t teach someone to have an innate sense about how to build the business.
- I’m constantly reminded that I must be a good role model and it’s not always easy to walk the talk.
- Roles change. I’m no longer a full time parent, so I have to change some practices that will take me and my kids to a new level of relationship. Same for work—there’s always new levels of challenges facing you.
- I worked in Ireland when it was a war zone and I had to learn to deal with the political scene as well as learn how to be a manager and not just rely on my native skills.
- The more difficult the circumstances are, the faster you have to turn the situation around or it festers until it’s too hot to handle.
- Sometimes sales people ask a question they want answered, and are befuddled when they don’t get it. That’s their job, mine is to see the questions before they arise.
- Know the business from the nuts and bolts—ground up, not at 40,000 feet view.
- I like what Kevin Share, ex-CEO of Amgen said
Be self-aware ~ Focus on a few challenges ~ Find a mentor/coach
Building relationships
- Success depends on others.
- Everything that I do is about relationships with others, so now I search for anything that gives me insight.
Letting go
- I came to grasp that I wasn’t the only one with great ideas, but I knew enough details to evaluate the ideas—that turns out to be one of my most valuable assets, but I had to let go of a lot to get there.
- Until recently I thought knowledge was wisdom and my emotional side had to be locked up. I became aware that allowing my emotional side to awaken would make me a more effective leader.
- The changes I want in myself and in the organization are not happening quickly enough and sometimes I have to stifle my tendencies to force the process along.
Developing skills
- Multi-tasking is a trap.
- I have to always be conscious of what I’m doing.
- First it’s awareness, then I need to think about it, and finally address it—whatever “it” is.
- I spend about six (6) hours a day on calls with no opportunity to read body language and no face-to-face interactions; thus, I’ve learned how important it is to understand biases and to listen more fully.
- I can be flexible, but I need advance notice—now I verbalize expectations and ask others to do that as well.
- When things went wrong I wasn’t using more questions than answers. I developed a Little xxxx (mini-me) in my head who said, “You’re not asking enough questions, and the right ones.”
- A coach helps fill in the blanks to get there faster.
- I went from telling to selling, and selling to inquiring—what a difference that made in my leadership.
Following are the names and titles of the executives who shared their insights:
- David Carder, VP, Executive Consultant, The Forum Corporation
- Ralph Chauvin, Vice President of Sales, North America, Perfetti van Melle USA
- Iain Duffin, Chairman Origo Service Group Edinburgh, Non Executive Director of the Scottish Leather Group, Director of IDD Associates Ltd.
- Carol Ryan Ertz, AVP, Enterprise Leadership Development, Unum Corporation
- Ron Griffiths, CEO Network Green Deal Ltd and RG Direct Associates Ltd.
- Larry Hart, Chair, Vistage International
- Jim Mikula, Managing Director, Hotel Madeline and Inn at Lost Creek, Telluride
- Susan Moseley, VP Member Service Corporation, NFIB
- Vivien Price, VP Solutions Design, The Forum Corporation
- Helaine Suval, President and Founder, Suval Consultants
- Frank van Dijk, Regional Marketing Leader, GE Oil & Gas
LinkedIn Discussion, “What do you think is the number one listening skill?”
We here at Expanding Thought®, Inc., home of the innovative Hear! Hear? Your Listening Portfolio® assessment and Listening Impact®, have been privileged to be a part of the fascinating discussion initiated by Kimberly Gleason, “What do you think is the number one listening skill?” on the LinkedIn Organization Development and Training Forum. Given our interest in listening skills we were especially excited by Kimberly’s topic and the ensuing discussion.
Kimberly’s strategies include; Focus on the Other Person, Show Interest, Observe Body Language, Paraphrase What the Person Said, Ask Questions, and Use Silence.
An extensive and enlightening discussion took place over a two-month period with 56 respondents, and it was difficult to keep track of what listening skills were mentioned. That’s why we took it upon ourselves, with Kimberly’s permission, to compile a list of the listening skills. Many of the skills had similar meanings and were grouped together; others stood out on their own. All of them were unique and insightful. We hope we’ve captured them all. If you see any missing, please feel free to contact us.
Click this link to download the list (in Excel format), LI Disc List
Enjoy!
Is Listening a Sixth Sense? Defining Your Listening Skills
Have you ever gone into a room in which there were a lot of people, many talking at once, and you home in on one person or one conversation ignoring all the rest? Or have you ever found yourself communicating with someone at such a deep level that you seem to have some sort of otherworldly connection? Or have you ever felt someone looking at you trying to make a connection?
I’ve experienced both and often wondered how that happens. While I was in the waiting room of my massage therapist, I picked up the latest issue of Psychology Today (July/August, 20012). The feature article was “Sixth Sense.” On the first page (p 52) the author said that visceral change may give the impression of a transfer of energy. That finding would coincide with the situations outlined above.
The author goes on to say that when you bend/lean/turn towards the other person your movement draws that person’s attention, thus confirming your suspicion that you and the other person have some sort of psychic connection.
In the first scenario above, the person who draws me in may have a loud voice, unusual speech pattern, engaging gestures, intriguing accent, reminiscent phrasing, or is talking about something I’m interested in. Something stimulated my Reticular Activation System (RAT) that caused me to isolate other conversation and focus attention to one interaction, even though I might not have had any awareness that was happening.
When we’ve administered Hear! Hear? Your Listening Portfolio to a group, I watch people as they enter a room, self-select work groups, choose a seat, and chat informally. It doesn’t take long for people to sort into listening styles. People migrate to others like them. It’s so much easier to converse with someone who listens for the same things as you do and who asks the very questions that are on your tongue than to try to talk to someone with whom you don’t jive.
That’s not a sixth sense, it’s a well developed habit honed in our brains, bodies and emotions that guide us towards who/what’s most comfortable to listen to. So, in the second scenario, it’s much more likely that two simpatico listeners will have deep conversations than two people who hear very different things from one another. Listening opposites usually don’t attract.
Listening isn’t woo-woo, it’s a conscious, hard won skill.
Tortoise and Hare Listening: Defining Listening Skills
Recently when I was conducting a webinar, one of the very insightful participants surfaced a great question: “What’s the right pace for good listening? Since we can listen faster than we can talk, what’s the best balance?” After some probing we determined that what he was really asking was just how much attention must be paid in an interaction before the interaction is too long and interest wanes.
While there’s not a formula for balancing listening to speaking, our webinar attendees did consider who wins the listening race—the tortoise-listener who moves slowly and deliberately, missing very little on the way to gaining complete understanding; or the hare-listener who moves swiftly in preparation to decision-making and action.
The tortoise-listener is the embodiment of the “move slow to go fast” rule. She asks many questions, gathers facts and data, digs for underlying motivations and concerns, and weaves it all together to develop the most comprehensive thorough understanding of the situation before making recommendations or developing a plan.
The hare-listener is seen more commonly in organizations. He asks just enough questions and gathers just enough evidence to make a decision or plan and recommend his ideas as the best path forward.
Can’t you see them both in a meeting? The hare loses patience with the plodding approach of the tortoise, rolls his eyes, fidgets in his seat, checks email, and tunes out. The tortoise looks stoic, ignores the hare’s obvious frustration, and continues to seek more information. Both are convinced they’re right and that the other doesn’t listen. By the end of the meeting, one usually wears down the other, collaboration hasn’t happened, and it’s doubtful they’ve arrived at the best results.
Our webinar group decided the only way to get these two polar opposites to work effectively together is to acknowledge their differences at the start and develop some listening ground rules. (I need to think about what those ground rules might be and I’ll write them up in the next post—it would be great if we could develop a community list.) When teams have taken Hear! Hear? and seen their group reports, they inevitably come away with much deeper appreciation of how their listening styles impact communication. The tortoises and the hares can talk about the consequences of too much inspection or too much speed and how to balance their tendencies to arrive at best fit for the situation.
Too fast and the hare-listeners finish ahead of everyone else, alone and without enough fuel to run the next race. Too slow and the tortoise-listeners cross the finish line after everyone else has gone on to the next race.
Priming Our Listening Skills
At the Conference on World Affairs (an excellent meeting of the minds conducted annually at CU-Boulder), Drew Westen, a member of the panel, “The Human Brain, Not Perfect, but Good Enough,” explained the Heightened State of Latent Activation principle. Let’s look beyond the academic words to assess what the term means to us when we listen.
Dr. Westen performed the following experiment with the audience:
- He repeated four words: two of which were “ocean” and “moon.”
- Next he asked: “What laundry detergent comes to mind?”
- Those of us who thought of “Tide” raised our hands.
- Drew estimated about 80% of the audience, the typical percentage, raised our hands.
Dr. Westen explained that our results were predictable and replicable wherever Tide is sold, not because it is the most famous brand in the world, but because he primed us with the words “ocean” and “moon” without our being aware of his ploy. He primed us with words that relate to tides, which put our brains into search mode for familiar connections.
Our brains gravitate to prior experiences: e.g. we leap to conclusions when the words we hear are similar to ones we’ve heard before. That’s part of why we don’t listen fully; we gravitate to existing networks to select what we listen to.
More research on this subject was reported in the March 24, 2012 issue of Science News in an article by Laura Sanders, “Brain cells know how you will bet.” She says, “…nerve cells deep in the brain know what to do. And these cells know the plan seconds before the person actually decides on a course of action.” Thus, those neural networks are functioning well in advance of our conscious decision-making.
So what do these studies show us about listening?
- There’s a constant battle between our conscious attention and the brain’s control function—we don’t know 80% of what’s going on in our brain, so we better take advantage of the 20%
- Listening requires focus and intention for the information to be of any value
- We use intuitive theories about what we’ve heard and make up answers for what we don’t know—that can be dangerous if we don’t listen well to what is being presented to us
- Since our brains tend to be ahead of our conscious selves, staying present is our best chance for alignment between sender and receiver—or as someone else on the panel said, “Our unconscious processes can’t think and do at the same time.”
Listen with all the openness you have. When you come from a place of knowing, it messes you up to think about it and blocks most of what the sender has to offer.
Part 2 of Notes from the International Listening Association Convention
Dr. Doyle Srader, Northwest Christian University, Eugene, Oregon
Performance Listening
Question: How is the act of listening sufficient to fulfill the duties of the listener and/or create relationship?
Some findings:
- There are three categories of performance listening:
- Listening toward relationship—calls relationship into being and establishes ties
- Listening toward leadership—enters without an agenda and allows interaction to establish meaning and directions
- Listening toward fairness—hear someone out much like in the judicial system where there is a hearing
- Measure of success is when followers are satisfied that the interaction has been effective and appropriate
- Communication is transactional and a co-created encounter
- Goal—use all three to be a credible listener so other person would say s/he’s been heard
Christopher Gearhart, Louisiana State University, Baton Rouge, LA
Sensory-processing Sensitivity
Question: Is the Highly Sensitive Person a Highly Sensitive Listener?
Some findings:
- No, highly sensitive people are easily distracted by stimuli and may not focus well as a listener
- fMRI shows more processing activity and less accuracy for a highly sensitive person
- fMRI shows longer and deeper processing activity for a less sensitive person
Sheila Bentley, Bentley Consulting; Graham Bodie, LSU; Jennifer Grau, Grau Interpersonal Communication
A Time I Felt Listened To
Question: Which techniques make a person felt listened to?
Some findings:
- People describe attributes first and behaviors second
- Sometimes the researcher had to ask, “What caused you to list that attribute to get the person to describe what the person did?
- Women square off more in an interaction while men take an open positioning
- 80% of all malpractice suits are caused by patient feeling “brushed off”
- An initial reaction determines degree of satisfaction/dissatisfaction with the entire interaction, even if the first person encountered is not the main interaction (e.g. person at the front desk makes a good/bad impression, and that colors every subsequent interaction, regardless of how others treat the person)
- Back-channel responses, those that are unconscious such as nodding or uttering “uh-huh” signal understanding
- The key attributes included in a Physician Listening Study:
- It is assumed the physician brings these attributes to the table:
Confidence, Empathetic, Humane, Personal, Forthright, Respectful, Thorough
Most important verbal behaviors: Answers questions, elaborates on topics being discussed instead of answering with short statements, asks questions, does not interrupt or change the subject
Non-verbal behaviors: Maintains appropriate eye contact, focuses body language and position, engages in appropriate composure, smiles/laughs
Random notes:
- Good listening gives you currency
- There are four stages of counseling/therapy
- engagement
- assessment in context
- insight
- action
- Babies borrow their sound from parents—that’s why many children have similar voices and speech patterns as their parents
- Listening is enhanced when the listener asks: Who/what am I as a listener in this situation?
- Anticipation of where the speaker is going next derails communication
- Metaphor: Listening is a cup. If it’s full with our own stuff, there’s no room for another’s.
There was a lot of validation of our work in Listening Impact, especially for Hear! Hear? Your Listening Portfolio ®
Active Listening might be a passé term: What would you nominate in its place?
Notes from the International Listening Association (ILA) Convention, March 22-24, 2012, Bremerton, WA
I’ve just returned from the ILA Convention in Bremerton, WA where I had the opportunity to learn about some fascinating research that expanded my knowledge of listening, and hopefully it will do the same for you. This post is part one of two of some of the take-aways from that conference.
It was quite an extended process to get to the convention—plane to Seattle, shuttle to the ferry terminal, hour ferry ride to Bremerton, and short walk to the convention center and hotel. Nevertheless, I’m very glad I attended because I heard some terrific presentations given by smart, smart people.
Graham Bodie and grad students from Louisiana State University
Supportive Listening
Question: What are the similarities and differences between a supportive person and a supportive listener?
Some findings:
- Supportive person is described in general, impressionistic terms such as: positive, intelligent
- Supportive listener described in specific, behavioral characteristics: involved in interaction, responds verbally
- Influencers on the relationship are
- non-verbal \immediacy (e.g. body language)
- verbal-immediacy (e.g. questions)
- Answer to question: How important is it to you that your relational partner is a good listener or good comforter, depends upon the importance you put upon it. Our level of satisfactions depends upon what we’re looking for in our relational partner to demonstrate.
Language Style Matching
Question: Does Language Style Matching (LSM) influence a relationship?
Some findings:
- Mimicry is automatic and mostly unconscious
- LSM is often used when people like one another
- LSM, use of emotional words, or cognitive (cause and effect) words didn’t make people feel better or worse. Or, nothing in particular made much of a difference
- But, negative emotional words and tentative words made people feel worse
- Major finding: We have expectations of listening behaviors, but they don’t matter much until they are NOT used. Then you’ll be considered a bad listener; however using them all won’t necessarily translate into your being considered a good listener.
Laura Janusik, Rockhurst Univeristy, Kansas City & Margarete Imhof, Gutenberg University, Mainz, Germany
Listening Construct Across Cultures
Question: What similarities and difference do three cultures exhibit in terms of conceptualizing listening? (Japanese, European, US American)
Some findings:
- Culture is communication and communication is culture
- Subjective listening concepts determine how/why one listens
- How one perceives listening could affect how one does listening
- Subjective concepts are culturally dependent
Metacognition
Question: Will we listen better if we think about it?
Some findings:
- There are three stages to metacognitive listening:
- Before: plan and set goals
- During: comprehend, aware of what’s happening in the moment
- After: reflect
- Bringing listening to consciousness increases likelihood of a positive interaction
Directed Learning
Question: What are some strategies that will enhance listening in the classroom/training room?
Strategies:
- All about connections
a. What do I already know about topic
b. What should I know that I don’t
c. Learning facilitator stops every 10-15 minutes to tell them to make connections between a and b
2. Voice Mirroring
a. Facilitator reads a script while the audience mirrors her words out loud
b. Initially, the facilitator faces the audience, then turns her back
c. Facilitator faces audience again but this time the audience silently mirrors the words inside their heads, and finally they close their eyes and mirror in silence
d. Technique brings yourself back on track to focus entirely on what the speaker is saying
3. Stop, Look, Summarize
a. Draw a line at the bottom of your page of notes
b. Periodically, put the information into your own words
c. Technique translates and summaries ideas into an understandable format
4. Big Picture, Little Picture
a. Look at details and tie them to the big picture
b. Look at big picture and tie them to details
c. Technique relates two extremes of thought process to one another
5. Think, Pair, Share
a. Write words/terms you don’t understand
b. Pair up to figure out meaning
c. Share with others who may/may not have figured out definitions
d. Technique uses group knowledge and reduces anxiety about not knowing what a word/term means. It’s particularly good for non-native speakers as well as for people from different functions/disciplines
6. Multi-Tasking is a Myth*
a. Can’t do two tasks even when tasks tap into same part of brain
b. Can’t do two switch tasks using different parts of brain
*If you don’t subscribe to this blog and you’d like a copy of the short exercise that demonstrates this strategy, sign up for the blog and we’ll gladly send it.
Notes from the Field: Listening Skills Hygiene
A few days ago I tried my darnedest to push through a post-shoulder surgery anesthesia haze. I could hear people talking, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. Some sound came through to me, yet I had no ability to make sense of the sounds. It took several hours and a nap to be clear enough to both hear and listen. That very frustrating situation once again brought to light the complexity of listening.
In my professional life I guide people from merely being hearers to being listeners—to go from taking in sounds to evaluating, analyzing and taking action. To be a really tuned in listener one must go beyond Active Listening (AL) techniques. I think of AL techniques as Listening Hygiene, or behaviors that create the impression that someone is engaged in the interaction.
When we’re told to practice good hygiene it is usually something that we do to the surfaces of our bodies such as washing hands or putting on sunscreen. Those techniques are very good for prevention and can stave off germs, but they don’t go deep into the bloodstream to heal disease. Inadequate listening is as big a “health” threat to an organization as poison is to an organism.
For this discussion it’s important that I differentiate Listening Hygiene techniques from tactics we at Listening Impact tout. Some of the more common Listening Hygiene techniques are:
- Maintain eye contact
- Lean forward
- Mirror gestures
- Remain silent
Those techniques do work for some people, especially when the interaction is pretty superficial, but they won’t suffice when there’s a lot riding on the need to fully understand the situation and content.
If we look at just one of the hygiene behaviors, eye contact, we can see how it might appear that the listener is intensely taking in what others are saying. After all, there’s the bromide that the eyes are the windows to our soul. I don’t know if that’s a true statement, but I do know that many good listening fakers can make excellent eye contact without actually paying attention. They are like I was when the nurse tried to wake me up from the anesthesia. I looked right at her, tracked her with my eyes, and apparently spoke her name, but I was not tuned in.
At Listening Impact we use Questioning Strategy as a tactic that requires both the listener and speaker to engage in the interaction. The listener is equipped with awareness about how he prefers to listen, which informs the types of questions s/he will ask. Our listeners develop understanding of other listening habits and develop questions that fit the style of the person(s) s/he is interacting with rather than asking unrelated questions that don’t lead to mutual meaning.
While most people don’t walk around offices in an anesthesia stupor, some do substitute superficial techniques for real skilled engagement.